Nothing says "I don't want to go to the beach with you, please" quite like fleeing to the farthest corner of the Earth to a place where the landscape really on has one feature—a feature that is notably not a beach. Of course, there's a lot to do here. It's a fantastic place to see wildlife, and don't forget the Aurora Australis.
Luxury zeppelins aren't as much of a thing as they used to be, but rigid airships are still a perfectly valid means of touring. There aren't a ton of them in use today, but with several exciting concepts for luxury zeppelin hotels in the works, it might not be too long before they come roaring back. (Or, uh...before they come back slowly, and quietly, in that zeppelin-y sort of way.)
Okay, yes, it's one of the most remote places in the world, so this would be a bit out of your way, regardless of where "your way" actually is. But the Makgadikgadi Pan in Botswana is perhaps the largest salt flat on Earth, a place so barren that until the rainy season arrives, only algae can survive here. If there's a clearer way to say "No beaches for me, thanks!" we sure don't know what it is.
Grab your friends and family, and re-enact the Winnebago episode of Frasier! That was a really good one! Except maybe don't because the border is probably a lot stricter than it was when Daphne's American accent passed muster. We would suggest our road trip, but it spends a lot of time cruising the Pacific Coast Highway, and you don't like beaches.
A Bookstore or Library
Maybe it's not just the beach; it's all of it. All that sunshine, and people, and other garbage. Just because you don't like the thought of getting sand in your pages doesn't mean that you can't enjoy a bookish vacation. Check out some of the world's wildest bookstores in places like Venice or Buenos Aires, and spend a week lost in the stacks.
Let's say you really, truly do hate water. What better way to give water the finger than to flee to a forest, where thirsty trees will suck up any of it before it has a chance to get you. We've rounded up some of our favorites, though you might want to avoid the whole "rainforest" situation.
New York City
Morocco is a gorgeous country with some lovely beaches, none of which are anywhere near Fez, a landlocked city in the middle of a desert for your non-beachy pleasure. Fez is one of our favorite "second cities" in the world, and it's not hard to see why. There's a real, old-world charm here, and it's impossible not to feel it as you walk through the narrow streets to the markets of the Old City.
Denver has it all, as long as you aren't including "beaches" as part of "it all." This place is a veritable hipster utopia with all of the great food that implies, but on top of that, there's skiing! The Rocky Mountains are absolutely stunning and do not in any way involve being on the beach.
Charleston, South Carolina
Seattle has a little bit of everything--especially for those who love the forest more than the beach. Hiking, camping, and all sorts of outdoor activities are waiting for you just outside the city limits. For those who have had enough of the great outdoors, the Museum of Pop Culture is sure to contain no traces of organic life.
Yellowstone National Park
Joshua Tree National Park
The ocean might be a no-go, but rivers are fine, right? The San Antonio River Walk is a great vacation option for folks who want to enjoy the water while staying dry. Home to all sorts of shops, restaurants, and entertainment, guests can enjoy a stroll by the San Antonio river or hop on a boat to experience the river firsthand.
While everyone else in Florida is heading to the beach, you can head to Disney World instead. Just kidding, everyone is headed to Disney as well. But if you can brave the crowds and temperatures, Disney World could be your perfect, beach-free vacation.
Because "technically correct" is the best kind of correct. If the thing that you don't like about the beach is the dude-bro patrol, then you're probably in luck. You're probably not as likely to see a legion of triple-popped collars here. Of course, if you don't like beaches because of the water, then this is an absolutely terrible suggestion, and you should probably move to the next slide as fast as possible.