10. "Holding" the Leaning Tower of Pisa
I mean, yeah, you could, or you could spend your time in Italy wandering through wine country, or looking at the canals of Venice, or checking out all of the actual Roman ruins. Everyone has that photo. You could even Photoshop yourself and save on airfare. The only reason this might not be on the list is that it's more an obligation if you visit Pisa than anything else. Here's a better idea: take a big group photo of all the other people pretending to hold up the tower so that it looks like some sort of bizarre gang sign or cult greeting.
9. Getting Naked on a Sacred Mountain in Malaysia
We've talked about this before, but it's worth repeating: sometimes when you're traveling, you meet a charming man who turns out to also be a "notorious Canadian nudist." One thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, you're taking photos with 9 naked strangers on top of Mount Kinabalu. Maybe you get away with it, but maybe a massive earthquake strikes right as that Canadian nudist uploads the naked photos to the internet instead. Then it's this huge deal, and local religious groups are blaming you for the earthquake. Then, you wind up in jail.
8. Getting Naked at Angkor Wat
Look, we get it. You're at the office, and your friend Barb comes in, all bright-eyed, relaxed, and freshly back from getting deported out of Cambodia. She regales you with stories of how she went to Angkor Wat, took all her clothes off, and had a photoshoot. Sure, she makes it sound fun. Everybody's doing it. But is it really worth all the trouble of paying a fine and being banned from a country for four years? This is one attraction that's just not worth the hype.
7. Getting Naked at Machu Picchu
Man, there is just something about UNESCO World Heritage Sites that really makes you wanna take your clothes off and air everything out. Or, at least, there sure seems to be. Last March, the Peruvian government wound up enacting a ban on nudity after they detained eight people in a two-week span alone. As you might have guessed from the last couple of slides, naked tourism is becoming a thing, and not just at nude beaches. Of course, there's always the chance that this has always been a thing, but nobody knew about it because there were no websites advocating and exhibiting it. (Yes, they exist. No, we're not linking to them; you're perfectly capable of finding them yourself.)
6. Joining the Mile High Club
Everyone loves a public fling. Well, not everyone. Lots of people enjoy a public fling. Anyway, as fun and transgressive as this might sound, it's not all it's cracked up to be. You're in a tiny, cramped space that smells. Not to mention that you're not getting out unnoticed. At best, there's a line of people outside rolling their eyes. At worst, someone freaks out because you're in the bathroom too long and fighter jets escort your flight to the ground. Instead, why don't you try one of those specialty flights made specifically to accommodate your...interests.
5. Loving Embraces While Lying in the Sand
One of the most infamously wooden quotes in the Star Wars films is Hayden Christiansen's "I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere." While no actor could salvage that line, it makes a good point. Sand does get everywhere, but nobody truly knows that as well as the couple that's tried to get cozy out on the shore. Consider just finding a nice hotel with an ocean view instead.
4. Joining the Mile Low Club
Maybe you ignored our advice and joined the Mile High Club. Congratulations! A stranger in a black cloak is en route to your house to teach you the handshake. You've earned it. You may think that the next step is to join the ranks of people who have become intimate a mile beneath the water, but it turns out that club isn't real. The world record for scuba diving is around 1,000 feet, and it turns out that if you ask a submarine captain to help you with this, they will laugh at you. (Actually, there is exactly one you can hire, a leisure submarine called Lovers Deep, but it starts at $133,000 per person per night with a two-night minimum. Yet it doesn't even go a down a full mile, only 650 feet.)
(image via Oliver's Travels)
3. Getting Frisky on Epcot's Mexico Pyramid
It's understandable. You're in the most magical place on earth. But whatever you do, don't ascend the pyramid outside of the Mexico pavilion and become passionate with your loved one. Of course, any travel agent worth their salt will tell you that this is a must-do on your bucket list, but remember—they'll say whatever they can to make money. The real action is on the boat ride.
You've probably seen or heard of Mount Rushmore, a national monument famous for its appearance in films like Mars Attacks!, Superman II, and Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. Sure, it's great for certain things, like having climactic battles, or replacing Washington's face with yours to announce your conquest of the country. But "Roosevelting," the common practice of making love on top of Teddy Roosevelt's head, isn't as fun as teenagers make it out to be. It may be a rite of passage, but it's also a really long hike. Good luck even finding a place to settle in with your partner, what with all the other couples up there.
1. "Ghost Protocol-ing"
Named, of course, for the fourth Mission: Impossible film in which Tom Cruise scales the world's tallest man-made structure, "Ghost Protocol-ing" refers to the tourist trap where people rappel up and down the Burj Khalifa whilst in the throes of intimacy with their loved one. Dubai is an expensive, overrated destination as it is, but if you're going to go, you should check out the small, out-of-the-way gold-plated palaces to get a feel for the real Dubai (and not touristy goofball stuff like this).