10. Orlando, Florida
It’s a bit unfair for me to single out Orlando because, in all honesty, I have no desire to step foot into any part of Florida. However, I believe that the city exemplifies all of the worst qualities of the state. Geographically, it’s kind of in the middle, which means you’re surrounded by a real-life screening of Deliverance on all sides. Plus, the presence of Disney World and Universal Studios all but guarantees you’ll be forced to deal nonstop with the worst kind of people in the world—children.
9. New Orleans, Louisiana
New Orleans may be the last bastion of culture in the American South, but I refuse to visit. What was wrong with the old one? Seems to me the entire city is just a ploy by Big Orleans to bring in some extra tourism dollars. Nice try, but you can’t get anything past this informed consumer.
8. Portland, Oregon
Don’t get me wrong—I think the Pacific Northwest is quite possibly the most beautiful region in the United States. However, I refuse to travel anywhere there’s even a whiff of an earthquake, and according to this recent New Yorker article, Mother Earth is ready to literally tear Oregon a new one. Barring the invention of an earthquake vaccine, my only experiences with Portland will be relegated to episodes of Portlandia.
7. New York City
After earthquakes, people are definitely my second least-favorite thing, so adding New York City to this list was a no-brainer. Now, if some I Am Legend, nocturnal zombie-vampire scenario were to occur, leaving NYC virtually uninhabited, you better believe I’d make a trip up there—I hear there’s some truly stunning architecture. Until then, I’ll keep my distance.
6. Gary, Indiana
I have nothing against the residents of Gary. However, as a child I saw my father battle a lifelong addiction to The Music Man, and I just don’t think it wise for me to visit the city memorialized by this musical—these things are genetic, you know. For the same reason, I also avoid trombones and saying goodnight to women.
5. Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Credit where credit is due—if you’re looking for a seaside experience, Myrtle Beach is still exponentially better than anywhere along the Gulf of Mexico (I’m looking at you Biloxi). That being said, it’s still nothing to write home about. Unless of course you’re looking for airbrushed t-shirts and chain restaurants as far as the eye can see.
4. Detroit, Michigan
Detroit gets a lot of flak for its high levels of violence and poverty, but I don’t think that’s a fair critique. The average citizen there had nothing to do with its crippling income inequality and the tide of crime that inevitably follows such a problem. Rather, my beef with Detroit stems from something broader—the belief that there is absolutely nothing worth doing in all of Michigan.
3. Bannock, Ohio
I honestly didn’t even know this place existed until I googled “small Ohio towns.” But now that I’m aware, you better believe I’ll be staying away.
2. Las Vegas, Nevada
There are lots of positives about Las Vegas—the light pollution, the omnipresent creepy guys handing out fliers for strip clubs, the gambling addicts—I could go on forever. What really gets me peeved about this city, though, is the deception. A replica pyramid? A replica Sphinx? One look at those things, and I think I’m in Egypt, about to encounter the leathery, mummified corpses of the ancient pharaohs. Instead, I’m greeted by the leathery, mummified corpse of Celine Dion? Not cool, Las Vegas, not cool.
1. Fleezflorp, Arizona
You’ll never ever catch me in this city—mostly because I just made it up.