10 Tips for Surviving Spring Break at the Beach

The best novelists are the people who gain tremendous insight into broken people. There's no way to magically gain insight, but you can't ask for a better catalogue of broken people than the zombies pushing their way past you on this beach. What better way to go down as the next Faulkner, Fitzgerald, or Hemingway?

This is more of a last-ditch effort than anything. It could even be funny if you're really, really mean-spirited. Then again, we're talking about a group of people who read Coed.com, so "mean-spirited" isn't really going to seem out of place.

This isn't the most practical option but think about having a heavily-muscled man or woman in a black suit standing over you as you lie on the beach. Your bodyguard will block the sun's rays and stop occasionally to shove away anyone who stumbles too close. Sounds like fun, right?

Also known as the "Jessica Jones approach," this may not be the healthiest way to carry yourself through a vacation. Who says vacations are for your health, anyway?

If the students believe you're one of them, they might leave you alone. It's what helped Jane Goodall gain the trust of the orangutans, and as drunk as spring breakers are, we're probably talking similar levels of intelligence here.

(image via alabut, CC)

I've said it before: if it's good enough for a Bond villain, it's good enough for anybody. You, too, can follow the grand tradition of cinematic figures like Mr. Big from Live and Let Die. Panama City Beach has plenty of sharks. You just need to supply the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping device. 

Drunk people need lots of things: water, for instance, or aloe from the sunburn they got when they passed out naked on the beach, or inoffensive sources of protein for their hangovers. With a little forethought and some careful price-gouging, you might be able to turn a profit from your beach vacation.

Call it a social experiment. All that creepy stuff like "negging," if it's going to work anywhere, just might work here. Keep a journal of your results. Maybe you can get published in an anthropological journal. You get bonus points if you're a woman who gets the "pickup artist" schtick to work on one (or more, we're not judging) of the frat-addled bros you encounter.

I hear Siberia's nice this time of year. Really, any location not known for the local hotel's "pool cam" is a safer bet than the typical Spring Break beach.

If you can't beat the hordes of smirking dude-bros and over-tanned, bikini-clad sorority chicks, then maybe you just need to join the party. Hopefully, you're a nebbish middle-aged person or a badass septuagenarian, and you can get them to adopt you as a mascot. If not, try to blend in. Try yelling "Shots!"

(image via suninternational, CC)